Get On, Clip In, Fall Off

Punditry repeat

Yes, it's another repeat today. This one comes from the dark ages of 1999, during the peak of the media-Infobahn-hysteria epidemic (oh yeah, and during some 'dot-com' thing) when it seemed that just about anyone who claimed to know about computers would be stuck in front of a TV camera and authority seemed to be based on the blackness of a pundit's T-shirt or the number of body piercings they had.

             Things to say if you want to be a TV Computer Pundit
             ----------------------------------------------------
              (or subspecies thereof, the "Media Internet Guru")

Want instant media stardom? Recognition? Fame? Easy money? Just go
around reading the lines below loudly in trendy cafes, wait until a
passing TV producer with five minutes to fill with the obligatory
Information Superbahn story buys you a drink and you're there. But
remember that the lines just won't do the trick by themselves - you
need to work on the image! So get yourself a really cool "Net Head" or
":-)" (or even "foo", if yo want to be cryptic) T-shirt to show you're
really part of the 'in' crowd, and remember, confidence! confidence!
You need to read your lines with utter conviction, or your authority
might be challenged by some smart-alec who thinks they know
better. Give them no quarter.

"The World Wide Web was invented by Tim Berners-Lee, a US Air Force 
 officer, in 1966 as part of a secret project to build a network that 
 would withstand a nuclear war"

"The Net was only used by US research scientists until the first ISP,
 America Online, was founded."

"Most URLs - that's netspeak meaning "Universal Resource Location" begin
 with 'http', or "Hyper-Terrific Transverse Protocol". This means that
 it's a web page."

"It's important to follow etiquette, or what we dedicated surfers call
 'netiquette' when communicating with people via the Internet. There are
 lots of different smiley faces to help you do this and make sure you
 don't offend anyone - be sure to learn them all! Here are a few to get
 you started... this one means you're happy.. yes, Judy, just turn your
 head sideways.. aren't they cute?.."

"Make sure you have an up to date virus checker, or you could get nasty
 viruses like "Concept" which reformats your hard drive, via email - it's
 a good idea to take note of any virus warnings you get sent and forward 
 them to all your on-line friends (or 'cyberpals', as we call them) to make
 sure they know about it too. And no, Richard, don't share your floppies 
 with strangers, ha ha ha!"

"It's important to make sure you have your own domain name, as this can
 make you look like a big important company like Microsoft on the net.
 You can either register a domain in your own country, or use one of the
 generic domains like .com, but these usually mean a company's American.
 If you get a .net address, though, it will really show people you know
 what you're talking about!"

"If you find the blazing 64kbps ("killer bits per system" - this is a 
 measure of how fast your operating system is) speed of ISDN too slow,
 then the easiest solution in Europe is to call your ISP and ask for a 
 quote for a T1 line, which are the fastest generally available."

"All computers on the Internet communicate using a common protocol known
 as HTTP."

"It's a good idea, if you often have problems, to get the 'root' password
 from your ISP so you can fix it yourself the next time. They should be
 happy to let you know it if you just ring the support line and explain."

"If in doubt, or you have problems, and you want to avoid expensive Microsoft
 support charges, just call your local university - they all have their 
 resident Windows guru who'll generally be only too happy to help."

"Usenet, or 'IRC', as it's often called, is like a huge web-based chatroom.
 You can log on to it through Netscape or AOL."

"There are lots of ways to make your web pages more interesting, but make
 sure that they can be read with both web browsers, Netscape and Internet
 Explorer, under all versions of Windows. That makes sure that everyone on
 the Internet will be able to read your pages without problems."

"Your computer needs to have TCP/IP installed. This is a two part protocol
 that allows your computer to talk to others on the Internet - IP is the
 Information Protocol, which interfaces to your web browser, and TCP is the 
 Technical Communication Protocol which interfaces to your modem."

"There's a lot of material that isn't suitable for children out on the
 Net, so if your children surf a lot by themselves it might be a good idea
 to get a net nanny package that stops them viewing adult content.
 Alternatively, call your ISP and tell them to block access to sites you
 think aren't suitable."

v1.0, 19990407