Get On, Clip In, Fall Off

Days to stay in bed

As most people in Europe can't have failed to notice, the European football championship starts this weekend and continues until early july, hence the enormous numbers of St George's crosses adorning the car aerials and houses of England. Some of these crosses have been modified by, say, writing "ENGLAND" across the middle (in case the wielders forget which country they're supporting) or by defacement with various ancient heraldic symbols such as the logo of a chain of sport shops.

What this tells me is that there are certain days coming up which would probably be best spent either staying in bed or indoors watching DVDs. Or even working on some writing I have to do, which would probably do just as well as long as I turn the stereo up loud enough. In this spirit, I present the briefly-researched Euro 2004 Avoider's Guide To England Fixtures:

• 13 June, 19:45 - England v France
• 17 June, 17:00 - England v Switzerland
• 21 June, 19:45 - England v Croatia
  In the event of progression:
• 24 June, 19:45 - quarter-final, winner group A vs second B
  OR:
• 25 June, 19:45 - quarter-final, winner group B vs second A
  Then:
• 30 June, 19:45 - semi-final (if win on 24/06/04)
• 1 July, 19:45 - semi-final (if win on 25/06/04)
• 4 July, 19:45 - final

After that - if England win, then heaven help us. I suggest emigration in this unlikely event, or at least a couple of weeks in Scotland. As an additional guidance note, be aware that in the event of progression beyond the group stages the increase in volume of the surrounding public and media frenzy will not be linear but exponential. It would be wise to avoid exposure to tabloid newspapers during this time, particularly in the event of England facing Germany in the knockout stages, whereupon for some reason which researchers have not yet ascertained it will be announced at every opportunity that England have a much better football team because we won World War II.

Don't get me wrong. I have no objection to football matches. I just object to the accompanying waves of jingoism thinly disguised as support. May the best team win, eh?