Get On, Clip In, Fall Off

An unprecedented danger to world security

After the events of today I think there are some things I should really talk about because they affect us all. There are some contests which are so important, and so close, and so critical to the survival of our civilisation that I think it would be massively isolationist and cynical to ignore them.

That's right. I want to decide whether the Daleks or the Cybermen are the bigger threat to humanity. Plenty of people have done this before, but I feel entitled to my own moment of punditry on the subject.

The Daleks are probably the most British of evil races. They're the Austin Allegro of universal domination - plodding and inefficient and achieving results mostly by confusing people into thinking they're looking at something far scarier. It's as if Davros had subcontracted British Leyland to design a mobile war machine for world domination purposes in 1973.

"Right, Alf. That'll do. It's got a place for the green blob guy to sit and it moves around. Now, the lads came up with a suggestion for a multiply redundant armoured vision system with 360-degree coverage and dual rapid-fire guns to provide overlapping fields of protection. But the project budget won't handle that, so we'll just have an eye on an easily-damaged stalk and an easily grabbable single gun with no other protection. The punters'll never know the difference, they'll buy it anyway. No, we won't have the twin remote manipulation arms with multiple joints and selectable ends either - a sucker on a stick will let them prod things if they ever want to manipulate objects, which isn't something anyone ever really does anyway, do they?. It'll be fine. A bit of decoration might be nice, though. Oh, I know, some blobs. Yes, blobs are stylish. Great idea. Nice."

When they're actually in action working on dominating the world they always remind me of Dad's Army. While they're quite good at hanging around looking ominous, appearing unexpectly from round a dark corner and barking out simple orders like "Move!" and "Obey!", when push comes to shove they have a nasty habit of running around in panicky circles like Corporal Jones shouting "My vision is impaired! I cannot see!", firing wildly at walls and eventually getting so excited by all this that they spontaneously explode. If the opportunity arises to exterminate something that's standing still and helplessly cornered, they'll usually get so excited at the prospect that they'll shout "Exterminate!" for about ten minutes before looking back to find that the prospective exterminee has wandered off to get a cup of tea.

So much for the Daleks. 10/10 for trying, guys, but you need to learn to seize the day, focus on your objectives and work on achieving them rather than just boasting a lot about how powerful you are and how the universe will bow down to you or you'll kill them for being disrespectful. If you want to do that, I suggest a career in hip-hop.

As far as the Cybermen are concerned, however.. well, I think there's something French about them. They talk strangely, sometimes incomprehensibly and always grandiosely. You'll never hear a Cyberman being casual. "Leader! I have made you a cup of tea!" "Excellent!".

What's more French about them, though, is their fashion sense. Every time you see them they're dressed differently. Between attempts at destroying humanity, the suburbs of Mondas rattle with the sound of sewing machines as the Cyberfamily runs up a new outfit. Shops experience runs on silver spray paint and whatever the must-have fashion item of the season is - ping pong balls, moon boots, flight suits, PVC zip-up jackets, flared trousers, white balaclavas, whatever.

Once the basic outfit's in place, it's time to accessorise. Bits of tubing, car headlights, more ping-pong balls, whatever comes to hand is employed to create the season's must-be-seen Cyberlook. Once it's all there and in place, world domination can finally return to the fore and they set off for the next remote Earth outpost on the list.

There they stomp around for a bit and menace people (they're good at menacing, Cybermen) while feeling insecure about the fact that their gear will probably be already out of fashion on Mondas and that they'll get laughed at when they get home. While distracted by this, some untrendy human in a jumpsuit turns up and rubs gold into their chest. "Gnnnnrgggh!", moans the Cyberman metallically, "Gold.. with this outfit.. noooooooo....." and expires from sheer embarrassment. And that's the end of another attempt at world domination, and it's back to the pattern books again.

So the Cybermen manage to be fantastically menacing - after all, seven-foot tall silver men who can kill you with a single karate chop are automatically menacing - they can stomp around convincingly, they can even climb stairs, but once again they fail when it comes to commitment. Once again, they're too easily distracted to engage in effective world domination.

Who wins, then, in this battle? I can't decide. It's more or less a dead heat, but as the Cybermen can actually menace people fairly effectively rather than just waggling a stick with a sucker on the end at them as they head for the nearest staircase I think they probably come out just ahead. But only just.

Posted by mpk at November 3, 2004 9:24 PM | TrackBack