January 19, 2005

Dear Tourist..

(permission granted to print out, photocopy, translate and distribute to arrivals at LHR..)

Dear Tourist (or other visitor),

Welcome to London! The city in which you've just arrived (and if you arrived through Heathrow, please accept our apologies) is home to nearly eight million people. Hundreds of thousands more commute into the city on a daily basis to work. Add the enormous numbers of visitors that we host all year round and the city's beginning to look like a pretty crowded place, and even those of us who live and work here all year round find the crowds and griminess pretty stressful sometimes.

We mostly manage to get on okay, although like anywhere else we've got our fair share of morons. Don't worry - we think that rude people who push and shove are morons too, so please don't think that's what all Londoners are like. The reason we all manage to get along without killing each other is that there are certain ways in which we assume people will behave. You might find it puzzling that someone will get angry at you for just riding on an escalator or being on the Underground, so I thought I'd write this brief guide to explain some of the behavioural oddities of Londoners. Hopefully this will help you to get around town like a native and save you from irritated looks or worse.

The most fundamental rule is spatial awareness. It's important to know what's going on around you, in London more than in many other cities. As there's a crowd just about everywhere you go in London and the pavements tend to be narrow, you need to be aware that there will be other people wanting to move around you. For instance, if you're walking down the street with a few friends and see something interesting or need to discuss where you're going next, don't forget that other people will probably be right behind you. If you need to have a conversation or want to take a photo of something, then don't block the pavement. Move to one side - the edge furthest from the road is usually the best bet - and you'll find that you won't get people being irritated at you for blocking their way. There's always something interesting to see on the streets of London, but don't forget that many of us walk these streets every day and just want to get somewhere. While you're on holiday you might well be thinking of London as one big theme park - and there's a lot more to do in the city than there is in even the biggest theme park - but don't forget that for most of the other people around you it's a home and a place of business. So just be aware that there are other people around you and you'll go a long way towards blending in like a native. Be considerate.

It's pretty likely that during your visit you'll go on the Underground. The Tube. It's the world's oldest underground railway system and one of the most extensive, but particularly on platforms and in passageways it can be quite cramped (and that's before you get on the train) due to the age of the system and the construction methods employed when digging in the London clay. So here are a few useful tips to prevent you receiving annoyed glances or getting pushed out of the way:

  1. Work out where you want to go before you get to the ticket machine or ticket office. It's amazing how many people don't seem to know this. If in doubt, consult one of the maps which are everywhere. Pick up a pocket tube map and plan your journey in advance. Figure out the zone system, and unless you're not making many journeys during your visit by far the cheapest option is to invest in a Travelcard rather than buying single tickets. Singles are expensive in order to encourage people to use Travelcards.
  2. On escalators, stand on the right. That's the right. The left hand side is for people in a hurry, and blocking the escalator will not make you any friends at all. Really. Some people get very irritable under these circumstances, so don't complain if someone shoves you aside to get past if you don't respond to an "Excuse me!".
  3. Know which line you're heading for - and which direction you need to go in - before you're forced to decide when you come to a junction. The Underground is well-signposted, and the lines are colour-coded. Look for the colour, the line name, and the direction ("Northbound" or "Eastbound", for instance). If in doubt, look up - many signs and directions are positioned at or just above eye level. When getting off a train, a glance up should tell you how to find the exit or the connection you need. Above all, keep moving - don't stop abruptly at the bottom of an escalator or a staircase to examine a line diagram. If you do, you will be in the way and you will annoy the people behind you. Know where you're going already and you'll get on much better.
  4. Unless you really have to, you're unlikely to find travelling on the Underground during rush hour enjoyable. You're on holiday, and holiday means avoiding stress, so it's probably best to spend the time between about 0730 and 0930 and 1700 and 1900 relaxing with a cup of tea. This also applies if you've just arrived at Heathrow - unless you're prepared for the Piccadilly Line at rush hour, and especially if you have luggage, why not sit down and relax for an hour or so before heading into town?
  5. However it may appear, the Tube isn't a theme park. It's a working transport system. So move along platforms rather than just walking onto the platform and stopping, don't block doorways, and above all do not smoke or take flash photographs anywhere on a station or train. These activities are strictly prohibited, and the smoking ban in particular is vigorously enforced. This isn't just to annoy you - the regulations were introduced after an appalling fire at Kings Cross killed more than thirty people after being sparked off by a discarded cigarette end. Getting on the train and taking "Look! We're on the Tube"-type photos of your mates is also going to annoy your fellow passengers, so please don't do it. Most of us just want to get to our destinations in peace. Taking photos of approaching trains using flash will really, really annoy drivers, and in some cases it has resulted in drivers being unable to drive on until their vision has cleared. Photographs without flash (and you can't use a tripod or other support either, so you'd best have steady hands) are fine.
  6. The Underground is one of the last vestiges of contemplative peace and quiet away from the incessant ringing of mobile phones and the accompanying loud, blathering conversations. People don't want to hear your conversations with your travelling companions either, so please try and talk quietly if you're on a train full of stressed commuters.
  7. By the way, trains, buses and the Underground aren't restaurants. If you want to eat stinky fast food, don't do it there. Maybe you'll see other people doing so, but everyone else thinks they're antisocial morons. And keep your feet off the seats too, but that's a pretty universal rule.

Please do visit our famous pubs. However, bear in mind that bars are about the only place where the British do not instinctively form a queue to be served. Instead, everyone just kind of automatically "knows" when it's their turn based on who was there first. Please respect this and don't try and barge in by waving banknotes or shouting. Don't try and form an orderly queue either, as people will just look at you strangely. If in any doubt, it's quite likely that the person who arrives after you will notice when it's your turn and point it out. You don't need to tip bar staff. For more details, see Kate Fox's excellent guide to pub etiquette and her also excellent book Watching The English.

Don't expect people to try too hard not to walk in front of you when you're taking a photo of your mates, especially if taking this photo involves blocking Hungerford Bridge. Sorry, but that's life. Just be patient and wait for a quiet moment. If everyone waited all the time for everyone taking a photo, we'd never get anywhere.

Do hail a black cab if you're lost or scared or a bit drunk or just plain confused. If the TAXI light on top is lit, they're available. Black cab drivers are probably the most competent taxi drivers in the world bar none, and they're also police screened and background checked before being licensed. The back of a black cab is one of the safest places you can be in London. Conversely, don't take illegal minicabs, especially at night. If a guy comes up to you and asks if you want a taxi, he's most likely touting for an illegal minicab firm. Say no. If you want to know why, refer to the Public Carriage Office website.

If you walk into someone and they say "Sorry", it doesn't mean they're admitting some form of liability. If someone walks into you, say "Sorry". You'll probably both say "Sorry" anyway. It may not seem logical, but this is just the way it's done here, okay? Apologise to each other and get on with your lives.

While it's true that we have some of the best free healthcare in the world, don't try to get a free sample through being run over while crossing the road. Unless you know the roads you're crossing particularly well, you're best off waiting for the green man. Even when you have a green light, beware of cycle couriers without lights who will generally cut across your path and shout obscenities at you if you complain. See "morons" as mentioned earlier.

Finally - I'm amazed at how many foreign visitors (and especially Americans) don't say "please" when asking for something, and "thank you" when receiving it. This is generally considered to be simple good manners in Britain, even when you're just ordering a coffee or buying a train ticket, and if you fail to do so you're running the risk of being considered rude, boorish and demanding. Speak softly and remember to use the magic word and people will like you a lot more for it.

I hope you find these tips useful and that they help to prevent any visit-spoiling unpleasantness. Once again, welcome and enjoy your stay!

Posted by mpk at January 19, 2005 12:24 PM | TrackBack
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