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Get On, Clip In, Fall OffRandom bletherings of a dilletante cyclist. |
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Get On, Clip In, Fall OffRandom bletherings of a dilletante cyclist. |
On the last day of the tax year (the 5th April) I'm going to be shutting up shop on my career as a self-employed computer geek. This is for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I found it hard to not spent my every spare moment worrying about money and income (the primary obsession of the average contractor), which kind of sucks when you're trying to get on with the rest of life. Secondly, the end of the tax year's a good opportunity for doing so as it means everything's nice and tidy for going back into the fully-employed PAYE universe, so now is as good a time as any to return to full-time work. Thirdly, we're planning on buying a house early next year, and it's very much easier to persuade people to lend you money if you're in full-time employment. Finally, while I've been lucky to have enough work to pay the bills and then some the kind of short-term consulting work I was hoping to pick up hasn't materialised.
Once I decided to go back to being full-time, I was extremely lucky as I've been able to take my time and look around for work which interests me rather than just taking the first job I could find out of necessity. The result of this is that from late April I'm going to be working at Google's newly-expanded London office, which is building a systems admin group. This makes me happy, partially because it's going to be nice to have a stable workplace again but also because there's a lot of interesting stuff happening there which I'm looking forward to being part of. It's likely that I'll be spending quite a bit of time in Dublin initially, and I'm also looking forward to revisiting some of my old stamping grounds. Of course, some things have changed - now I want to go and run around Howth Head on a warm spring evening rather than just walking around it.
I'm feeling fairly upbeat as a result of all this. The notion of having spare time which I feel is actually my own rather than the business's is extremely liberating, and I've got all sorts of plans on the go as a result. One of the main things in my mind is my long-dormant Geek Aid project, which deserves some attention. It seems that all of a sudden I've stopped spending all my time thinking about just making enough money to live and have gone back to wanting to change the world, a laughably naive and childish notion which life still hasn't quite managed to stamp out of me permanently, although that's fine by me.
Finally, I now have a couple of weeks of rest before starting at Google and a strong desire to not just spend it playing games. I shall have to think of a project to keep me occupied.
So, things are all pretty upbeat at the moment. I feel as if my life just took a major turn for the better, and it's time to get on with living it.
A couple of days ago I was discussing the idea of doing "braindump" posts here on various subjects, as I know far too much about various areas of trivia. Coincidentally, I was mailed earlier today by someone asking for any thoughts I had on being best man at a wedding. So, this is the first of these braindumps. If you've got ideas for any more, do drop me a line..
I personally think that 99% of the books about being a best man are bunk and should be thrown away. Virtually all of it's common sense. What I discuss below is the traditional "standard" stuff, which may get varied wildly. For instance, it's not at all unusual for the entire party to enter the church/venue/whatever together nowadays. Protocol and etiquette are something which some people will want to stick to rigidly, and others will want to vary. The only bits which are non-negotiable are the ceremonial legal parts where certain things have to be said in a certain order to make the marriage legal, and the signing of the register. Other than that, you may find that things vary a lot from the standard. This is, IMO, a good thing - life would be terribly boring if all weddings were identical. You'll probably gather from the below, though, that I'm something of a traditionalist.
Essentially, the best man is (with the chief bridesmaid) the head of operations at a wedding. It's a dual role. Firstly, you're there to keep an eye on the groom before and during the service and to help out with various bits of planning, carry the rings, then give a speech and maybe MC at the reception. Secondly, there's the much broader role of being a general fixer. This part of the job is to do whatever you can to make sure that the day goes smoothly - help deal with any unexpected events, take minor tasks off the hands of the groom and/or bride (and find someone to do it if you can't do it yourself). The second part, IMO, is even more important than the first part - it's an extremely special day, and keeping trouble out of the way of the couple themselves is a great way to make sure they have the day they were hoping for.
Check exactly what's expected of you. While the best man's role has been fairly clearly set out over the last couple of centuries, what people list as "the best man's duties" isn't and shouldn't be a hard and fast list. Find out who else is involved in the male side of the wedding party - groom, ushers, maybe the fathers of the couple, and so on. The chief bridesmaid (or maid/matron of honour, depending on how they're doing it) is your main ally on the other side, so it's worth getting in touch with them as well to compare notes. Don't obsess too much - the prospectively happy couple and their families will generally be quite happy arranging things themselves, but the groom may ask you to help with things like arranging suit hire. Don't worry too much about what you'll be wearing - in general, everybody looks good in a morning suit if it fits properly. (And not to put to fine a point on it, I look VERY good.)
Stag nights as they were are more or less a thing of the past, thank God. As often as not today the bride and groom will host a party themselves or have some kind of joint gathering. You can help organise it, though, and if the groom does want to have a proper boy's stag night then think of what the groom would want to do, rather than what you and your mates might want to do to the groom. It's not really fair for the groom to spend their entire stag night worrying about what you might be going to do to them, and if they're not likely to take being wrapped in gaffer tape and posted naked to Edinburgh with good humour, it's probably better to forget it and just let them enjoy themselves. Remember that because the wedding itself is very much the bride's day, the stag night is the only bit really remaining which is just for the groom.
There'll probably be a rehearsal if it's going to be a church or other non-civil wedding (registry offices don't generally do the rehearsal thing). It's worth your while to be there, not least because if you haven't met people like the parents and the bridesmaids it's a good time to do so. Also, if you're lucky you'll get bought dinner afterwards.
Shortly before the wedding happens, check what's going to happen with the rings. This is quite important - in some cases they'll happily hand over the rings a week or so in advance, in others a concerned parent might insist on keeping tight hold of the rings more or less until the ceremony begins. Somewhere between these extremes is normal, but do make sure that you have them in good time or that you at least know their location and who's got them. You really, really don't want to find yourself having an "Oh, I thought YOU had them..." conversation five minutes before the ceremony. You may feel like a dork checking constantly that you still have them, but that's considered more or less normal so don't worry about it. If you've got a waistcoat with a little pocket for rings, take them out of the box and keep them in there. If not, I'd keep the rings in your pocket in their box until they're needed.
Also check to see if you're also going to be a witness and sign the register. It's fairly normal for the best man and chief bridesmaid to be the witnesses, but many couples do it differently for whatever reason. Check first anyway, just to avoid any confusion on the day.
Get up early on the day and leave plenty of time for general faffing around. If you're not staying in the same place as the groom, make sure he's got up too. It's helpful to make yourself available throughout the day for any minor tasks that need performing, such as nipping out to sort out hotel room keys and things for afterwards. Make sure you both get to the wedding venue with plenty of time to spare - you can always nip out for a cup of tea or whatever if you'd have to wait hours otherwise. The bride and bridesmaids will be doing all the generic girly stuff for, probably, most of the morning. I suggest keeping out of the way...
Traditionally, the last guest to enter is the bride's mother, who is escorted in by the head usher and sits at the aisle end of the front left row. The ushers usually discreetly save themselves seats near the back at the end of a row in order to be able to take care of any issues that arise. The arrival of the bride's mother generally means it's almost showtime. The groom will be looking around nervously anyway, because that's what they do. Keep an eye on the ushers, who'll generally give you the "go!" signal. If you're not standing up, now is the time to do so. Cue the music, cue the bride, and here we go.
Relax. The wedding itself is the easy part, as most celebrants will gently prompt you, and the best man's role consists more or less entirely of simply standing there during the actual ceremonial bit. In general, you'll be standing to the right of and very slightly behind the groom during the processional (the "here comes the bride, thirty feet wide" bit) and during the ceremony itself. During the talky bit inbetween you'll usually get to sit down while the bride and groom stay out front and centre for maximum embarrassment.
You'll be asked for the rings by the celebrant when they're needed. If they're in a box, take them out first, then place them on the Book of Common Prayer / Bible / cushion or whatever is proffered - don't hand them over directly. That's all you have to do. When the ceremony is finished, there's a little musical talk-amongst-yourselves interlude for the signing of the register. If you're signing the register, you'll be shown what to do - I can't remember whether it's two copies in the UK or three, but it's self-explanatory. Then it's back to the front for some closing remarks and time for the recessional, aka the happy-couple-walking-out bit. Just turn around and leave in the order which is sensible - the best man usually follows behind the bride and groom, with the chief bridesmaid/maid of honour. Don't forget to smile, as lots of people will take your photo as you go...
That's the wedding bit over and done with. There'll now be a generous amount of milling around outside while people congratulate the happy couple. At this point, you, the ushers and the bridesmaids transmogrify into your roles for the rest of the day - logistics specialists. There'll probably be a certain amount of formal photography, although photographers these days take, mercifully, less time than they used to. Help them get on with it by marshalling people as necessary. In particular, there'll usually be an "everyone" photo taken after all the bizarre combinations of people, so be prepared to marshal the crowds.
Time for the reception. Be sure in advance that you know where it is and how people are supposed to get there, as a few people will probably ask you for advice having not read the invitation properly.
Make sure you know if there's any setting-up which needs to be done for the reception, and if there is find out who's doing it. You'll generally find yourself working as a team with the bridesmaids during the reception to sort out anything that needs taking care of, preferably before it annoys the bride and groom (or worse, the bride's mother). Make sure you know the answer to questions like "Where do presents go?".
The very formal way of doing things is that there is a receiving line at the entrance, usually the couple and parents, who get congratulated more and told things like "You must be very proud!" a lot. Once everyone's in and has found their seats and generally milled around a bit, they sit down and then stand up again for the entrance of the bridal party. Often this is announced by the best man (you may get given a gavel for the purpose. Do not use it to brain irritating relatives of the happy couple.), but just as often it's not.
Maybe there'll be a top table, maybe there won't, but everyone should be on the seating plan. Top table seating arrangements are fairly standard, but can get fraught in the event of there being multiple sets of parents for whatever reason (divorce/remarriage/etc). Fortunately, you have nothing to do with such politics, and in general the best man sits on the left hand side of the table (when looking out across the table), on the left hand of the groom's mother. The usual top table ordering is, basically, boy-girl-boy-girl like in school science lessons, although the bridesmaids are generally sat in a row on the right.
Eat the food, and then sometime between pudding and coffee (after the speakers have all finished their pudding, basically) it's speech time. Traditionally the best man acts as MC, but this is another of those areas where everything's flexible. The standard order of speeches is:
My personal view of best mans' speeches is that their most important function is to entertain. The only duty you really have to incorporate into it is reading any telegrams (okay - faxes, emails and cards..) that need to be read from people who can't make it. It's okay - nay, compulsory - to impugn the groom's character, but be aware of the fine line between gentle mockery and gratuitous revelation of things which people possibly didn't actually want to know about, If You Know What I Mean. Be aware of the boundary between poking fun and causing offence to parents or, er, the older people present. Be careful talking about the groom's past love life, and think about whether it's appropriate to mention it or whether it will just make people look embarrassed. In-jokes don't work unless a majority of those present will know what you're talking about - you want to avoid stony silences wherever possible.
A list of one-liners doesn't work either - it makes for a disjointed series of gags like a Bernard Manning routine rather than an enjoyable speech, and most people will just start to cringe after the tenth joke from the Big Book Of Best Man's Speeches.
Keep things moving along, don't tell any lengthy or rambling stories as people get bored, and it'll be fine. The last thing to remember is that although if you want to make a couple of personal remarks nobody will complain, you're supposed to be talking about the happy couple, not about yourself, so keep them to a minimum.
Planning the speech is completely down to personal taste. I've done it twice - the first time I spent a long time trying to write a script, but rereading it on the morning of the wedding decided it was rubbish, threw it away and spent the train journey to the venue scribbling some rough notes. The result worked much better than the scripted version, so the second time I did it I just made a few rough notes on index cards and extemporised around them.
Don't be too afraid of gimmicks, but IMHO best mans' speeches with accompanying Powerpoint presentations are a joke that's had its day, not to mention that audiovisual aids have a habit of breaking down. I wouldn't use props myself - if you do think about using them, be aware that the wedding day is extremely busy and you can't be certain that they'll necessary all be in the right place at the right time. Oh, yeah, and virtually all of the examples of best man's speeches out there on the net and in books are cringeworthily ghastly. Avoid them, or at most use them as a useful reference on what not to do.
There's not actually any traditional toast for the best man to make, but I figure it doesn't hurt to round things off with a final toast to "the happy couple", "the bride and groom" or whatever - keeping it informal and toasting them by name is probably even better. This gives you a chance to bow out gracefully without having to worry too much about how you're going to wrap up.
Other people may make speeches too, which is a good thing. It helps to know about it in advance, though, to get the order right.
Once that's over, your job is more or less done. Keep an eye on things, help people out if there are any problems, and make sure that there's a knife to cut the cake with, but apart from that the rest of the evening's your own. Enjoy.
Oh yeah. As Steve Jobs says, there's Just One More Thing...
Many couples have a first dance which comes shortly after the end of the meal and the speeches. Tradition will probably dictate that You Are Expected To Join In. That's just the way it is, I'm afraid. The problem is that many people see the best man (who generally dances with the chief bridesmaid) joining in as the signal that they can join in too. It's probably best to find out what's going to happen - whether they want the entire dance to themselves and you should join in on the second (unlikely, as most couples spend the first dance going "ohgodohgodohgodsomeoneelsepleasejoininandsaveusohgod") or whether you should just sashay onto the floor and strut your funky stuff about a minute after they've started. Saturday Night Fever impressions are generally strongly discouraged, unless it's a disco-themed wedding (in which case you're probably in Las Vegas and subject to American marriage etiquette which is similiar yet completely different to everything I said above).
I think that's about it.